The Long Distance Relationship

My friend, Cheng, buzzed me on YM last night. She asked me how my boyfriend and I manage the  long distance relationship (LDR). My boyfriend is staying in Cebu while I'm back to lil' ol' Iloilo. He's busy with his studies and internship while I'm back here preparing for my future career- that involves straightening my teeth, learning a language, etc. It's really painful to leave the one you love behind but I must. I left my job so I can concentrate in getting ready for my dream job. It was really a complete 360 twist but then again I'm happy that I made that decision. I was excited to go home but I couldn't help but feel sad to leave my baby behind. You could only imagine the tears we spilled as I aboarded the boat. 

I told Cheng that we keep our communication lines open. We talk and text everyday so that we'll know what's going on with each others lives. And it's preceded with the thought that we understand eac other's goals in life. Hey, being a girlfriend of a Med Student is not easy. Since I know that's it going to take him a while before he finishes everything, I decided to go with my dreams as he is going for his.

And for those who are in LDRs here 's a tips I found from Wikipedia. It may not be that 100% fool proof but I do find them helpful. Here's the link: http://www.wikihow.com/Make-a-Long-Distance-Relationship-Work

1. Ask the important questions at the onset, to make sure you are both clear on the parameters of the relationship. Setting parameters such as naming your relationship (dating, seeing each other, boyfriend/girlfriend, engaged)as well defining exclusive(limited to one person,) non exclusive. These can be difficult and awkward questions to ask, but will save you great heartache and misunderstanding down the line. Example: "Are you open to the possibility of relocating if the relationship should become more serious?" or "What are you looking to get out of the relationship?". Stating your end goal or ideas will allow each person to maintain what they need. (personal note: my boyfriend and I have been in an exclusive relationship for two years already so I guess this is not a question- exclusive it is.)

2. Do things together. Defy the distance. As a long distance couple, it's important to do other things together besides the usual phone call. In a long distance relationship, interaction over the phone can become dull in the long run. Incorporating other forms of interaction are important. Just think... people in short-distance relationships do not spend the majority of their time talking, but rather doing things with each other. Try to replicate this by finding things to do together such as watching a TV show or movie simultaneously. (personal note: we would usually discuss books we read and it's nice to know each other's perception. It's always refreshing.)

3. Communicate in some way every day, more than once if possible. Since you won't be seeing each other, it's important to establish and maintain an emotional connection. These don't always have to be long, in-depth conversations. Tell each other about your little triumphs and tragedies. Ask for advice. Use an instant messenger program or VoIP for real-time chat, or web cams for that visual connection. E-mail is great so make sure you use it, especially if long-distance phone calls put a strain on your budget. Remember that e-mail and even instant messengers can increase the possibility of misunderstandings. Write love letters. Send small gifts or flowers for no reason. In this case, quantity is as important as quality. You may discover an advantage over others whose partner is close at hand - you don't take communication for granted! (personal note: check!)

4. Take advantage of the benefits a long distance relationship offers: more time with friends and/or family, no arguments over toothpaste caps, the pleasure of seeing your sweetheart again after a long absence, time to mull your options (rather than snapping at your partner impulsively) before you respond to that email s/he wrote that seemed so rude the first time you read it, etc. Most important, being far apart gives you a chance to maintain your individuality - something that can get lost in the shuffle when couples spend all their free time together. (personal note: it's true in our case)

5. Pursue common interests, even if it means pursuing them apart. If there's a movie you're both interested in seeing, watch it individually and then call each other afterward and talk about it. Read a certain book at the same time. Stargaze while you're on the phone. Set your watches to go off at the same time every day, and synchronize your alarm with that of your partner. Make it a point to think of each other when your watch goes off, and revel in the fact that he or she is thinking about you, too. Find creative ways to bond. (personal note: we call each each other before he reached the hospital and from the hospital to their house)

6. Avoid the temptation to be controlling. People have free will and no one can or should control another person. As long as you are both interested in being in the relationship, you will stick with it and distance will not make a difference. As soon as one of you decides the other is not a good match - or someone else is a better match - your relationship ends, whether you live 3000 miles apart, two streets over, or share the same bed with your wedding picture on the wall. You are going to have to trust each other completely if this relationship is going to work. (personal note: I believe that when you're meant to be, you will be)

7. Talk about your future together. Assuming that ultimately you'd want to live together, discussing how you're going to get to that point will help you prove to each other that the relationship is going somewhere and that your efforts and frustrations are not in vain. (personal note: we do this all the time. Like how will our house look like, how many kids, where will he have our house)

8. Remember: things will get better with time, and even the relationship will become better. Have hope. (personal note: I'm crossing my fingers!)

9. Visit often Try to make the time to visit each other as often as possible or as often as your budget permits you to. A relationship cannot thrive if the only thing you have is the phone calls. You need to see each other up close and personal every chance you get. The key here is to set up some "rules" about frequency of communication and visits and stick to them, consistency can help a LDR survive.  (personal note: true. despite the communication physical presence is still very important. Let's all admit. We love to cuddle and hug our significant other)

10. Avoid jealousy and be trusting. One of the easiest ways to destroy a perfectly healthy relationship is to poison it with jealousy and drama. When you start a long distance relationship you must be realistic of the difficulties ahead. It always helps if you go in a relationship with the idea that everyone is innocent and worth of trust until proven otherwise. Don't fall in the trap to interrogate your partner every time he/she decides to go out for a drink with people you haven't met or he/she didn't get back to you right away when you called and left a message. Just because you are in a LDR, your lives won't pause. Your partner will naturally have a social life where he/she lives and so should you. Sure it helps to have your eyes open and not be totally naive but being overly suspicious is unhealthy for you and your relationship too. You should both maintain your social activity and be happy with yourselves. (personal note: this is well said)

11. Be positive. Staying positive and not focusing on the negative aspects of a LDR is essential to keeping your relationship blooming and your partner content. Being away from your sweetie is not all bad news. Use the opportunity of personal time to pursue your interests and hobbies as well as your career objectives. Another positive point is that long distance dating pushes both of you to be more creative, communicate better since you don't have "face-to-face" time and test your feelings. As long as you see the long distance relationship as a temporary state, you will keep your chin up and transmit that feeling of security and happiness to your partner too. (personal note: in my case I need to focus on my career)

12. Give them a personal object of yours so in a time of need, where they miss you, they are able to hold on to something that once belonged to you. This will provide comfort, happiness, and the thought of being with you. (personal note: I gave the boyfie my pillow and he gave me his shirt)

13. Long distance dating is all about a balanced relationship between partners; a relationship built on strong foundations of trust, understanding and determination to make it work. The two partners should be reasonable about their expectations and willing to cooperate so that this relationship can lead to a happy ending. If these parameters are taken care of, you have nothing to worry about. But don't forget to ask some questions because if you don't , your partner may start to think that you're losing interest.  (personal note: Yes, there should be that agreement between the both of you.)