The Test

This is the continuation of my previous blog. I wake up everyday to Josh Wilson's song "Before the Morning." It reminds me that it's darkest before the sun comes up in your horizon. Misery drapes my morning sun at times. Healing and acceptance is among the sun's rays and I need them. Life's  disappointments big or small can take you to misery or lalaland. You choose. I was stuck in my own deeply dug misery some three years back wasn't pretty. It was tragic. My closest friends cannot fathom how I allowed myself to keep still in my little rut and not finding ways to get out. I am built stronger than that, they say. I am highly capable- ligaments and extremities still attached, a good head on my shoulder, and a strong support system.

Holding on to the past will not do you good. It robs the present of it's joy and amazement. I have to remind myself that I  will not let it happen to me yet again. I recently broke up with my boyfriend and the pain is still here. What we do with the pain is what's gonna dictate how things will unravel to us. How I can write about all this positivism and "looking forward knowing that something wonderful will happen around the corner" when I am feeling soooo loooooow? I have no idea. When something bad happens or when something pops out on Facebook or Instagram that's gonna rock your psyche and cause whirlpools in your sea of serenity how can one just disassociate themselves from their feelings from the situation and be able to immediately think objectively upon impact? My darling best friends have that uncanny ability. As for me, the very first thing I said is: "Lord, give me strength to overcome this." I am weak like that. I cling to God because right now there is nothing better than Him and His love for me. I cry. Don't get me wrong. I cry and when I do it's all sobs as I tell him that: "Lord, it really hurts. Oftentimes, I feel like giving up." There is this wonderful quote I use as a reminder:

Yes, God gives his hardest battles to his toughest soldiers. God has this complete faith and confidence on us. I am astounded by this! I am human why is He amazed with what I can do? I am limited, Big Guy. But God is like your own dad. He will always be confident on us. He trusts us. Human as we are, we become frail in fighting our battles. Questioning God is my infamous act of frailty. I ask Him why I have to undergo such heartache, such pain when I have given all I've got to my significant other? Why does it have to be me whose boyfriends leave me for someone else? Why do you have to let those people leave me when you gave to them to me in the first place? Questions. As I went on with my questions my friend, Astrid, she said: "Mia, stop asking. Don't question God anymore. What happens happens. That's it. He knows what he's doing."  Her words silenced my mouth and my heart.

Faith is the answer. When you give to God your complete trust and when you become totally dependent on His Grace - you'll get by. I don't know exactly how I can be okay but I do get by. Starting the day with yesterday's broken pieces cannot contribute anything good to my being and it threatens the possibility of having a beautiful future. I have to admit, though, that anger sprouts out at times. Through all of the hurt God sends angels in the form of my friends and my staff. When I got to talk it over with my friends and my staff (who have become family to me) I get back to exactly where you left off- you're somewhere better. Where bitterness becomes a tool for gracious forgiveness. Where hurt becomes a lesson. Where fears disappear. Where worries cannot touch you because you have God on your side because he loves you immensely. Where you now know that God is Love. I am grateful to be reminded by all these at this dark hour of my life.

Last Sunday's homily focused God's test. The priest said: "when you are ready, you will be tested." In His time we will see if we passed or failed. Well, we would know if we did a good job in passing his tests. Like a student having an inkling if we passed or if we'll get an F. As I take His test, I'll fight the good fight of faith. Press on, soldier! Press on!

Sunrise Over The Horizon

It has been ages since I've written a blog and it feels kinda weird looking at your old self. I started this blog to catch a dream- a dream of flying. Some three to four years ago I clearly wanted to become a Flight Attendant. A friend of mine was with Qatar Airways and I so wanted to get in. When you're young you basically think about traveling around the world and having lots of money to buy the things you were mentally coveting for eons. That was me. Until I got a job that made me travel and gave me money that made me shop for what I wanted and needed. Life clearly hasn't dawned in on me. I got everything I ever wanted. A loving boyfriend and a career. I used to think I did have swag. Was there something more to life than that? I didn't care. I was too contented with the earthly things I do and possess. I was too naive.

In one my blogs I mentioned being in a long distance relationship for a time. I was hopeful that he and I are going to make it. Such was my belief on how strong our love was for each other that it can cover up the distance and the space between. In so many levels I was wrong. Things never go as planned or as what you've always hoped for no matter how hard you worked hard for it. The breakup caused an earthquake on my being sending tsunamis on my other life beliefs. And it caused my writer's block.

The breakup spurred anger in me and sent me back to the One Being responsible for all of these. God. I was knocking on heaven's door for answers. Everything was so surreal to me - the pain, the loss, the shattered dreams, the questions. When you experience loss you can never imagine how you can wake up from it or even think about your recovery. Questioning God was really stupid but I did. I had the nerve to do that to Him.

Kneeling in front of the altar at home was an angry, stubborn girl with swollen eyes. I was tired but I just had an appointment with the Big Guy.

"Why? He's the one I asked from you for 21 long years. He's my One True Love. Is this a test?"

All I heard was heaven's crickets chirping with their business. I was inconsolable. The hopeless romantic that I am I always loved the idea of Love and it's amassing awesomeness. Like it was cure to cancer or AIDS. I am not the kind of person who'd give up easily. My wounds, therefore, have not healed with time. The memories are incredibly tricky. But I allowed them to suck the present with all it's joys and opportunities because I was too busy looking behind. I wasted two good years on someone who never came back. I did get to be see him again. And there I got my answer: "He was the one I did ask from God for 21 years. Someone smart, funny, who has clear life goals. Someone who's gonna be a good father. Someone who'll love me til the end of time. Yes, he is that man until now. But he was just not the man I was meant to be with."

So why the hell did I go through that long indignation? Simple. I was too stubborn to see His plans for me. I was too myopic with my plans that I did not include Him in mine. The Big Guy did stay true to his promise for me. Rodean is still that man I mentioned. Rodean is smart, funny and  has clear life goals. He is a good father to his baby, Yzza, who is now 5 months old. And someone who'll love me til the end of time? Yes. He still does love me. He is a faithful husband. But yes, I believe that when you love someone that love just doesn't wane. It just transforms into something else along the way. That's what happened to our love. And it's something we both have accepted. God gave him to me at the right time though we never ended up together we're both glad that at some point in this vast planet with a human population of 6 billion you found someone who made time stop the day that you met. Memories they may be now but wonderful all the same.

Despite having moved on and let go I still had my writer's block. I have no idea why. But it was still there. I couldn't start something that made sense to me. I let it go reasoning with myself that I might just be busy with work and with my new relationship. After having finally let go of Rodean I started seeing someone. He was a friend of mine and the rest is history. I was happier with Tad. We've lived together for a while. But after 10 months that happy relationship turned into something different. I wonder how it ended up like it did. From telling his friends "She's everything I've ever wanted" to "She's just not it." Messy as it was I had to accept that it was just not meant to be. No matter how much we tried. It's always hard when someone gives up on you and on your relationship when you've given it your all to make it work. Acceptance is such a big pill but for you to be better you gotta take it in. I went through the notions. And I am glad that I have a very cooperative, decent ex boyfriend. The breakup is quite recent, I must say. Taking the whole Acceptance pill made me better. I am still recuperating from what happened. Many thanks to my friends and family who comforted me and give me words of wisdom and for those who prayed for me.

Prayers can move mountains. In my case, I thought I can never easily stand up from this breakup but I did. Mind you, it is not easy. Being fine everyday is a battle. Through all this, I bear in mind what Eleanor Powell said: "What we are is God's gift to us. What we become is our gift to God." I woke with the realization that grieving over the relationship won't help me become a better person and it can cause me my happiness. And that is not glorifying God. I sent my best friend, Lorraine, a message over Facebook when I had my "aha!" moment. I told her that I have to win over this breakup and depression for Him. He has to know that his little girl understands that he's pruning me and in whatever I do I should glorify Him. So move on and glorify Him that's what I do nowadays. I've been working out and running to keep fit, eat regularly and keep praying. The pain overwhelms me sometimes but pain and acceptance is a part of the recovery. It's a long shot but one must traverse this road.

To be continued...