Sunrise Over The Horizon

It has been ages since I've written a blog and it feels kinda weird looking at your old self. I started this blog to catch a dream- a dream of flying. Some three to four years ago I clearly wanted to become a Flight Attendant. A friend of mine was with Qatar Airways and I so wanted to get in. When you're young you basically think about traveling around the world and having lots of money to buy the things you were mentally coveting for eons. That was me. Until I got a job that made me travel and gave me money that made me shop for what I wanted and needed. Life clearly hasn't dawned in on me. I got everything I ever wanted. A loving boyfriend and a career. I used to think I did have swag. Was there something more to life than that? I didn't care. I was too contented with the earthly things I do and possess. I was too naive.

In one my blogs I mentioned being in a long distance relationship for a time. I was hopeful that he and I are going to make it. Such was my belief on how strong our love was for each other that it can cover up the distance and the space between. In so many levels I was wrong. Things never go as planned or as what you've always hoped for no matter how hard you worked hard for it. The breakup caused an earthquake on my being sending tsunamis on my other life beliefs. And it caused my writer's block.

The breakup spurred anger in me and sent me back to the One Being responsible for all of these. God. I was knocking on heaven's door for answers. Everything was so surreal to me - the pain, the loss, the shattered dreams, the questions. When you experience loss you can never imagine how you can wake up from it or even think about your recovery. Questioning God was really stupid but I did. I had the nerve to do that to Him.

Kneeling in front of the altar at home was an angry, stubborn girl with swollen eyes. I was tired but I just had an appointment with the Big Guy.

"Why? He's the one I asked from you for 21 long years. He's my One True Love. Is this a test?"

All I heard was heaven's crickets chirping with their business. I was inconsolable. The hopeless romantic that I am I always loved the idea of Love and it's amassing awesomeness. Like it was cure to cancer or AIDS. I am not the kind of person who'd give up easily. My wounds, therefore, have not healed with time. The memories are incredibly tricky. But I allowed them to suck the present with all it's joys and opportunities because I was too busy looking behind. I wasted two good years on someone who never came back. I did get to be see him again. And there I got my answer: "He was the one I did ask from God for 21 years. Someone smart, funny, who has clear life goals. Someone who's gonna be a good father. Someone who'll love me til the end of time. Yes, he is that man until now. But he was just not the man I was meant to be with."

So why the hell did I go through that long indignation? Simple. I was too stubborn to see His plans for me. I was too myopic with my plans that I did not include Him in mine. The Big Guy did stay true to his promise for me. Rodean is still that man I mentioned. Rodean is smart, funny and  has clear life goals. He is a good father to his baby, Yzza, who is now 5 months old. And someone who'll love me til the end of time? Yes. He still does love me. He is a faithful husband. But yes, I believe that when you love someone that love just doesn't wane. It just transforms into something else along the way. That's what happened to our love. And it's something we both have accepted. God gave him to me at the right time though we never ended up together we're both glad that at some point in this vast planet with a human population of 6 billion you found someone who made time stop the day that you met. Memories they may be now but wonderful all the same.

Despite having moved on and let go I still had my writer's block. I have no idea why. But it was still there. I couldn't start something that made sense to me. I let it go reasoning with myself that I might just be busy with work and with my new relationship. After having finally let go of Rodean I started seeing someone. He was a friend of mine and the rest is history. I was happier with Tad. We've lived together for a while. But after 10 months that happy relationship turned into something different. I wonder how it ended up like it did. From telling his friends "She's everything I've ever wanted" to "She's just not it." Messy as it was I had to accept that it was just not meant to be. No matter how much we tried. It's always hard when someone gives up on you and on your relationship when you've given it your all to make it work. Acceptance is such a big pill but for you to be better you gotta take it in. I went through the notions. And I am glad that I have a very cooperative, decent ex boyfriend. The breakup is quite recent, I must say. Taking the whole Acceptance pill made me better. I am still recuperating from what happened. Many thanks to my friends and family who comforted me and give me words of wisdom and for those who prayed for me.

Prayers can move mountains. In my case, I thought I can never easily stand up from this breakup but I did. Mind you, it is not easy. Being fine everyday is a battle. Through all this, I bear in mind what Eleanor Powell said: "What we are is God's gift to us. What we become is our gift to God." I woke with the realization that grieving over the relationship won't help me become a better person and it can cause me my happiness. And that is not glorifying God. I sent my best friend, Lorraine, a message over Facebook when I had my "aha!" moment. I told her that I have to win over this breakup and depression for Him. He has to know that his little girl understands that he's pruning me and in whatever I do I should glorify Him. So move on and glorify Him that's what I do nowadays. I've been working out and running to keep fit, eat regularly and keep praying. The pain overwhelms me sometimes but pain and acceptance is a part of the recovery. It's a long shot but one must traverse this road.

To be continued...