The Test

This is the continuation of my previous blog. I wake up everyday to Josh Wilson's song "Before the Morning." It reminds me that it's darkest before the sun comes up in your horizon. Misery drapes my morning sun at times. Healing and acceptance is among the sun's rays and I need them. Life's  disappointments big or small can take you to misery or lalaland. You choose. I was stuck in my own deeply dug misery some three years back wasn't pretty. It was tragic. My closest friends cannot fathom how I allowed myself to keep still in my little rut and not finding ways to get out. I am built stronger than that, they say. I am highly capable- ligaments and extremities still attached, a good head on my shoulder, and a strong support system.

Holding on to the past will not do you good. It robs the present of it's joy and amazement. I have to remind myself that I  will not let it happen to me yet again. I recently broke up with my boyfriend and the pain is still here. What we do with the pain is what's gonna dictate how things will unravel to us. How I can write about all this positivism and "looking forward knowing that something wonderful will happen around the corner" when I am feeling soooo loooooow? I have no idea. When something bad happens or when something pops out on Facebook or Instagram that's gonna rock your psyche and cause whirlpools in your sea of serenity how can one just disassociate themselves from their feelings from the situation and be able to immediately think objectively upon impact? My darling best friends have that uncanny ability. As for me, the very first thing I said is: "Lord, give me strength to overcome this." I am weak like that. I cling to God because right now there is nothing better than Him and His love for me. I cry. Don't get me wrong. I cry and when I do it's all sobs as I tell him that: "Lord, it really hurts. Oftentimes, I feel like giving up." There is this wonderful quote I use as a reminder:

Yes, God gives his hardest battles to his toughest soldiers. God has this complete faith and confidence on us. I am astounded by this! I am human why is He amazed with what I can do? I am limited, Big Guy. But God is like your own dad. He will always be confident on us. He trusts us. Human as we are, we become frail in fighting our battles. Questioning God is my infamous act of frailty. I ask Him why I have to undergo such heartache, such pain when I have given all I've got to my significant other? Why does it have to be me whose boyfriends leave me for someone else? Why do you have to let those people leave me when you gave to them to me in the first place? Questions. As I went on with my questions my friend, Astrid, she said: "Mia, stop asking. Don't question God anymore. What happens happens. That's it. He knows what he's doing."  Her words silenced my mouth and my heart.

Faith is the answer. When you give to God your complete trust and when you become totally dependent on His Grace - you'll get by. I don't know exactly how I can be okay but I do get by. Starting the day with yesterday's broken pieces cannot contribute anything good to my being and it threatens the possibility of having a beautiful future. I have to admit, though, that anger sprouts out at times. Through all of the hurt God sends angels in the form of my friends and my staff. When I got to talk it over with my friends and my staff (who have become family to me) I get back to exactly where you left off- you're somewhere better. Where bitterness becomes a tool for gracious forgiveness. Where hurt becomes a lesson. Where fears disappear. Where worries cannot touch you because you have God on your side because he loves you immensely. Where you now know that God is Love. I am grateful to be reminded by all these at this dark hour of my life.

Last Sunday's homily focused God's test. The priest said: "when you are ready, you will be tested." In His time we will see if we passed or failed. Well, we would know if we did a good job in passing his tests. Like a student having an inkling if we passed or if we'll get an F. As I take His test, I'll fight the good fight of faith. Press on, soldier! Press on!